Ruby

To me, numbers have colors. 1 is white, 2 is a transparent, shimmery shade of purple, 3 yellow, 4 the green of budding shrubs of cherry trees in spring, 5 red, and so on. Even I cannot explain exactly why I match certain numbers with certain colors, maybe they are related to seasons; but whatever the reason, it is hard to separate numbers from colors in my head. Similar image-forming process applies when I think of names, too. This time, the only difference is that instead of colors, I match people’s qualities and general image to the names.

If I were to choose a new name, I would choose Ruby. The image brought out by the name is strong, vivid in color, and sparkling. That is the image of life that I wish to live up to: physically strong and hard as a precious gem stone, vivid in hue as the most valuable of rubies, and sparkling more brilliantly than slight waves of the ocean in the sun. I want my name to contain all the energy and depth of the life I dream.

Why is strength and vividness of name so important to me? Why do I not even consider names with soft, genteel images, such as Angela or Jane? I think the preference stems from my emotional and mental turmoil these days. Today I turned eighteen. At the middle of high school life, I am experiencing what people call, “growing pain”. I live out every day diligently; I participate in morning exercise, I do not skip homework or presentations, I clean my room, and wash my cups. But at the end of the day, I am always stuck with the inevitable question of “What am I doing here? Where am I getting at?”, and I find, day after day, that I can give no answer. I know that life is a continuance of many moments, and that a good life is woven out of well-spent and well-enjoyed moments; but I am now, at the brink of my patience. What is the meaning of well-lived moments when I have no clue in what direction I am heading? So, as a self-enchantment of hope, I name myself Ruby, the compact set of sparkling atoms that is red to the core, so that I, too, can be who I am from the very core of my being.

Ruby sparkles. A name that suits me must have a sparkle in it, or a tinge of sourness in the midst of sweetness. My name is Chaewon, and I have never disliked it; I am proud of it. Whenever I was disappointed about myself, I would scold me for not living up to the name “Chaewon”. I believe the reason for my love of the name is in the refreshing pronunciation of “ch-” sound. It reminds me of a brush of wind and the purifying scent of forest. My name cannot be something boring that does not give any inspiration. So, Ruby is good. A ruby has a million shade of the color red, sometimes as light as a watery glow of a flower petal, and sometimes as dark as a well.

It is incorrect to say that names decide faith, but having a good name, valuing it, and living up to it can be a great motivation in our lives. Set what you wish to become as your name, and you are already half way on the way to your dream: in my case, a splendid Ruby.

#chaewonlim #essay