Your World and Mine

The Ivory Coast. Such sinister and beautiful words. A coast filled with glittering ivory-colored sand. Stunningly blue waves crash on them, white foams bursting out. Ebony-skinned people with wide-mouth grins walk along the beach, the colors on their bandana striking out against the glaring sunbeam. Red, Green, Yellow, Orange, blazing against the white.

That is what I imagine. Something bright and shocking is needed here. However, I cannot bring something when I can’t go out. So I bring my thoughts. Thoughts. The only things I can bring here. Shallow, confined, dark. Nothing inside. The definition of empty space. How am I staying alive, I have no idea. There is only me and my thoughts. And the contrast. The huge, gaping contrast of my tiny, hollow world and outside.

I listen closely against the wall. I hear voices. The Aurora. They are talking about the Aurora. Images fill my head. The North. Somewhere far, far away. Breath coming up in thin, silvery clouds. Half-frozen snow crunching underneath thick boots. The sound of sleds coming up. An Inuit tent, a warm fire close by. Navy blue skies turn violet, and the waves of green and white cover the stars. The goddess of dawn crosses the heavens above, and her shimmering robe passes over the sky. Simply wonderful. I close my eyes and think about the Aurora. For an instance, it lights up. The color of emeralds, freshly cut grass, and jade seas. It brings tears to my eyes. Then all fades. It is black. The color without any color. I sigh and close my eyes. It doesn’t make a difference.

Salar de Uyuni. The salt desert of Uyuni. Breathtakingly beautiful and clear. When it rains the water fills up the desert. Water flooding the desert. How ironical. It makes me smile. The water filled up reflects the sky, just like a gigantic mirror. Sky and land meeting each other and saying hello shyly. The border between the worlds is shattered. Walking on land, walking on sky, it doesn’t matter anymore. All there is left are just the salt, the wind, and the footsteps. The salty wind blows in. It is not like the sea winds. It is deep and rich on my tongue. None of that sea bitterness. The sun rises, and I kneel under the magnificence. I kiss the water. The clouds shine upon me. It is my chance to jump over the stars. Then the shades come, and I am left alone. I slam my fists on the door, on the wall, on the floor. Nothing changes. I scream out through the cracks, why am I here.

I sometimes wonder about the person inside me. I know that she, or maybe he, didn’t die. She is only confined inside, locked on all sides. She is probably seeing all the small and miniscule things in me firsthand. I envy her for that. The smallest things are the prettiest when looked up closely. I see this dim, ordinary world, and she sees the precise, elaborate world of tiny things. A huge difference. I only get to see with the microscope every other week, and she gets to see even better every day.

#sarahyoon #fiction